An open letter.
As I’ve been discovering things about myself these past few months that I’ve previously tried to suppress or ignore, I’ve realized that something I have been doing forever is pushing my feelings (and people) away. I am so sensitive, and I am affected by things that most people don’t think twice about. If someone was mean or mad at me, I was never able to handle it. I blamed myself and wrote myself off as a bad person. Then I felt like I shouldn’t be so sensitive and feel that way and tell myself to stop caring so much. But that’s the problem, I do care. I care a lot and I’m not sorry anymore. I can’t change my genetic makeup and I’m not sure what it is that made me this big feeling monster, but I am and it’s not changing. By pushing away things that I can’t handle I’ve also pushed some important people throughout my life away. And I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I notoriously have been able to “move on” quickly from things. But the truth is, you don’t forget things or people even when you try. Your subconscious holds onto these things, these people, and it wants to suppress the intense emotions by making you do something to distract yourself (i.e, addiction, binge eating, compulsive exercise). But what happens if you just face the feeling head on? It hurts, and it’s hard but it makes you stronger once its over rather than an anxious mess that is trying to forget.
So to anyone reading this, if you feel like I’ve pushed you away or “forgotten” about you throughout my life, I haven’t. And if I ever caused you any pain by trying to make myself numb, I am truly sorry. I understand myself better now than ever before. It’s funny because I used to try and figure other people out and make excuses for their behavior/actions. But never for myself. If someone was upset with me, well then I had to believe that I was just a horrible person. That’s not logical or true. Why are we so quick to judge and punish ourselves but make excuses for others? I have not been able to actually see things clearly until I took the time to understand myself. I know that sounds cliche and weird, but it’s true. It made my life better. I want you to feel better and able to handle situations/feelings more clearly too. I am not perfect. I wasn’t then and I’m not now. But it’s the way I look at the imperfections that has changed my life. I am never going to be perfect- looking, acting, friend, wife, etc. But I can understand myself and my imperfections and let them be rather than ignore them or pretend they aren’t there. And I think I am finally doing that. So again, to anyone that I ever pushed away because I couldn’t handle it- I am thankful for you. Everyone in my life has made me who I am and has a piece of my life that will never go away. I hope you can see this and I hope that you can use it for future relationships, friendships, etc. If we all start understanding and accepting ourselves, we can start to understand and accept each other too. :) And yeah… this is soooo sappy/probably doesn’t make any sense. But it’s how I feel, and that’s something I can’t control (and you shouldn’t either ;))
On that note… HAPPY DECEMBER!! It’s freaking Christmas AKA best time of the year. Get out the candy canes and fuzzy socks. (Have to throw in some sort of weirdness into this seriousness). <3